Pentimento
September 26, 2009
Pentimento: One of my favorite books, discovered serendipitously years ago after awakening in a soggy tent somewhere in the White Mountains . Sharon M. and I were on the third day of a hiking trip, in a small orange tent in a campground at the base of the mountain and decided that hiking in the pouring rain was not our idea of fun.
We packed up, drove south on Route 93, stopped at my great aunt's house and showered before heading into Boston. We found ourselves at the movie theater on Charles Street buying tickets for 'Julia' a movie I had never heard of, based on a short story from the book “Pentimento” by Lillian Hellmann, an author I had never heard of. I was captivated by this story. This was one of the most memorable movies I have ever seen and one of the best books I have ever read. Pentimento is an underlying image in a painting, as an earlier painting, a part of a painting, or an original draft that shows through, usually when the top layer of paint has become transparent with age. (American Heritage College Dictionary, third edition, 1993).
I have wanted to write for a long time. I have started journals never keeping them going for very long. I've thought about blogging, have researched sites, started to set one up, then gone no further.
What's different today? I have claimed and named the fact that I am suffering from depression and decided I no longer want to feel this way. I intend to reclaim my ability to enjoy my life and have taken a leave of absence from my job to do so. I am working with professionals to help me find my way back to myself.
I have chosen a public forum as a discipline, with the goal of posting daily for at least two weeks; the time 'they' say is needed to make something a habit.
One topic I want to explore why 'faking it' or 'toughing it out' is more accepted in our society (at least in the circles I am in) than admitting a problem, a disability, a health issue. When did being stressed out all the time come to be seen as a badge of honor, something to be soldiered through, a sign of strength, rather than a warning sign that something needs to change? Why do we feel weak or vulnerable when admitting a medical diagnosis of anxiety, stress, or depression? Why aren’t these seen as the debilitating diseases that they are; ones that often lead to significant physical ailments such as heart attacks or strokes?
I am taking the next 30 days to look below the surface and try to discover the reasons behind this disability, the warning signs to watch for, and the action I can take to prevent a recurrence.
Earlier today my husband asked me questions from the November&December issue of AARP magazine’s questionnaire “How Resilient Are You? Normally I would have given myself a five (high score) on every item without a second thought; feeling the way I currently do, I recognized that for the past few months I would honestly answer the first question “I’m usually upbeat. I see difficulties as temporary and expect to overcome them. Feelings of anger, loss, and discouragement don’t last long,” with a two or a three. I want to be able to reclaim my five.
I hope you can reclaim your "5" too. You're too awesome of a person!! I look forward to your writing and exploration ...
ReplyDeleteFirst, let me just say how proud I am of you! It is not easy to stand up and say "I need help" and even braver to step out of your life to take time to examine what you need to do to reclaim yourself.
ReplyDeleteDepression is sneaky and goes hand in hand with anxiety. When they strike, it can take a person down. I think it is difficult for people who have never experienced it to understand its strength. People think - you look fine; you have a job, a house, a husband, children, family, financial stability. How can YOU be depressed? The reality is that depression and anxiety often have nothing to do with any of those exterior things. It's truly about your interior life. Therapy and medicine can help a person see their way clear.
Here in New England, we have a long-standing tradition of not admitting to weakness. I think over time, we've gotten better at letting others know when we are physically sick and in need of help. But, you are right that a medical diagnosis of anxiety, stress, or depression is much more difficult to share. We have been taught to dig deep and stick it out. We don't talk about why that odd aunt or cousin never quite fit into mainstream life. Perhaps, part of the issue is that people don't understand the difference between "feeling blue" and a medical diagnosis of depression and anxiety. The two states may sit on the same continuum of emotions but they are miles apart.
The past 18 months have been difficult for me. And, at first, it was hard to let others help me. I had always been the one there for others. I had to learn how to appreciate the gift others were giving me and to not feel guilty. It got easier to put out the call for help when I needed it (packing, unpacking, companionship)and to understand that those who answered the call were doing it of their own free will - no strings attached. I still worry that I am too needy and asking too much but I am able to keep that guilt at bay (most of the time!).
I believe that often workplaces contribute to the need to "tough it out." I am blessed to work at a school with the most supportive administration and faculty. They make it a safe place to admit to weakness whether it be physical or emotional. People are always ready to lend a helping hand or to step in to help cover a class or duty. It has been and continues to be a marvelous gift.
On a final note, even on my darkest days, I try to find a blessing or gift. It might be the sight of chickadee with its confident call, the smile of a stranger, or a hug from a friend. For many months, I kept a list to help me find and remember the good in life. It helps.