Pentimento
September 26, 2009
Pentimento: One of my favorite books, discovered serendipitously years ago after awakening in a soggy tent somewhere in the White Mountains . Sharon M. and I were on the third day of a hiking trip, in a small orange tent in a campground at the base of the mountain and decided that hiking in the pouring rain was not our idea of fun.
We packed up, drove south on Route 93, stopped at my great aunt's house and showered before heading into Boston. We found ourselves at the movie theater on Charles Street buying tickets for 'Julia' a movie I had never heard of, based on a short story from the book “Pentimento” by Lillian Hellmann, an author I had never heard of. I was captivated by this story. This was one of the most memorable movies I have ever seen and one of the best books I have ever read. Pentimento is an underlying image in a painting, as an earlier painting, a part of a painting, or an original draft that shows through, usually when the top layer of paint has become transparent with age. (American Heritage College Dictionary, third edition, 1993).
I have wanted to write for a long time. I have started journals never keeping them going for very long. I've thought about blogging, have researched sites, started to set one up, then gone no further.
What's different today? I have claimed and named the fact that I am suffering from depression and decided I no longer want to feel this way. I intend to reclaim my ability to enjoy my life and have taken a leave of absence from my job to do so. I am working with professionals to help me find my way back to myself.
I have chosen a public forum as a discipline, with the goal of posting daily for at least two weeks; the time 'they' say is needed to make something a habit.
One topic I want to explore why 'faking it' or 'toughing it out' is more accepted in our society (at least in the circles I am in) than admitting a problem, a disability, a health issue. When did being stressed out all the time come to be seen as a badge of honor, something to be soldiered through, a sign of strength, rather than a warning sign that something needs to change? Why do we feel weak or vulnerable when admitting a medical diagnosis of anxiety, stress, or depression? Why aren’t these seen as the debilitating diseases that they are; ones that often lead to significant physical ailments such as heart attacks or strokes?
I am taking the next 30 days to look below the surface and try to discover the reasons behind this disability, the warning signs to watch for, and the action I can take to prevent a recurrence.
Earlier today my husband asked me questions from the November&December issue of AARP magazine’s questionnaire “How Resilient Are You? Normally I would have given myself a five (high score) on every item without a second thought; feeling the way I currently do, I recognized that for the past few months I would honestly answer the first question “I’m usually upbeat. I see difficulties as temporary and expect to overcome them. Feelings of anger, loss, and discouragement don’t last long,” with a two or a three. I want to be able to reclaim my five.
